Apr 29 min read

"THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!" About Highly Sensitive People

Is This A Thing?

Yes, Highly Sensitive People, or HSP, is a thing. There’s solid research that supports this concept. According to expert Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You:

“The brains of highly sensitive people have more activity and blood flow in the right hemisphere, indicating an internal rather than an external focus.

What is moderately arousing to most people is overwhelming to HSPs.

HSPs often have decreased serotonin levels resulting from the repeated stress of over arousal.

Likewise, they have more reactive immune systems (allergies) and more sensitive nervous systems.

The sensitivity trait is just as likely among men as among women; both represent about 20 percent of the population.”

Taking into consideration that 20% of the population currently corresponds to approximately 1.48 billion people worldwide, that’s too high a number for it to be just the latest fad, anyway. But hey, I get it. Many well-meaning parents, teachers and others responsible for rearing children want to understand what’s going on and do right by their kids, but don’t want to be taken for a ride in the process. With all the behavioral health trends that keep coming up, it’s hard to tell the difference between a legitimate thing and yet another label which legitimizes bad behavior. Or the difference between highly sensitive kids and over indulged brats, or between highly sensitive adults and dysfunctional drama addicts. The thing is, although being highly sensitive can lead to disorders and disorderly behavior, it’s not a disorder. Although it can lead to mental health problems, it’s not a mental health problem. It’s simply a different, more intense (sometimes much more intense) way of perceiving, relating to and connecting with the world. Of course, highly sensitive kids can become over indulged brats, and highly sensitive adults can be socially inept people or dysfunctional drama addicts. Why? Maybe part of the problem is simply the lack of awareness and information about how to raise a highly sensitive kid into becoming a functional highly sensitive adult. It can be hard to understand, relate to and deal with a highly sensitive child. The key is to remember that it’s also very hard to be one. Highly sensitive children are also referred to as “orchid children.” According to the article Genetic Roots of “Orchid” Children by Bruce Bower, “a Swedish expression that translates as ‘orchid child’ refers to a youngster who blossoms spectacularly if carefully nurtured but withers badly if neglected.” An orchid in a field of dandelions, the highly sensitive child has a much more delicate personality than his peers and needs a protective environment to properly flourish.

From early on in life, highly sensitive children have to live with the perception that they are different; that they don’t quite fit in; that there’s “something wrong” with them, according to others. Because they are so sensitive, they experience tremendous hurt, which may result in self-hatred and self-destructive behavior. In addition, highly sensitive people often have the capacity to understand or perceive what’s going on with others better than many do themselves. So they can become a bothersome and inconvenient presence to a lot of people, and frequently receive (and/or deeply feel) negative feedback from their input, such as anger, rage, fear, sadness, withdrawal, defensiveness, etc. In family dynamics, the highly sensitive child usually plays the role of the "scapegoat" or "screw up" or "problem child" (the "scapegoat" is the truth teller of the family; this role is played by the most sensitive and emotionally honest child, who often verbalizes or acts out the "problem" or dysfunction that the family is attempting to cover up or deny). It doesn’t get any better as the highly sensitive children grow up. I’ve heard many of my clients say that they are constantly told such things as: “stop being so annoying”; “why do you always have to see more into it or make a bigger deal than it is?”; “stop being so sensitive”; “calm down, you’re being irrational”; “you’re overreacting”; “you’re overthinking it”; “why do you care so much?”; “anyone else can handle this, so why can’t you?”; “you don’t know everything!”; etc. Of course, highly sensitive people are not always right about how they understand, feel or perceive things; but they are often on the right track, which annoys a lot of people.

A client once told me that it took her years to be able to see a dead animal on the road without crying, which used to cause her to be regarded by friends and family members (not to mention herself) as weird. Other clients say that they didn’t feel like they ever fit in; that they didn’t have a place. Some mention that they see (and intensely feel) too many things that are wrong with the way we live, the way we treat other humans and other living beings, the way we are destroying the planet, etc; and they simply can’t live with all that and go on pretending nothing is happening, ignoring what’s happening, or profiting from what’s happening, as so many do. They see the unfairness and injustice of the rigged system, along with all its rigged subsystems, that our modern society has become. And they want it to stop. Many of them do manage to thrive and become the dreamers, the doers, the game changers, the rebels with plenty of cause; but they often give so much of themselves and get so deeply involved that their cause sucks the living energy out of them. In addition, many highly sensitive adults often get discouraged easily, at the first sight of a challenge or disappointment; or simply change they cannot handle or suffering they cannot bear to witness. Others are lost and confused; they go into hiding for self preservation, often numbing themselves with mind altering substances (legal and illegal) and/or suffering from severe health issues which cause intense physical, emotional and mental pain. In short, many are hiding because they can’t find their place and their way; and they can’t function in this rigged system without it chipping away at their very souls.

Under References and Related Articles there are many suggestions that can be incorporated as part of the highly sensitive person’s survival kit, as well as sources of information for the non-highly sensitive people who have HSPs in their lives. As a highly sensitive person myself, I share some of what I have learned and offer a few suggestions below.

For the non-highly sensitive people out there:

Being highly sensitive is a thing. What is moderately stimulating to most people is overwhelming to highly sensitive people.
It never helps to say to someone who’s highly sensitive that they are being too sensitive, they are overreacting, they are overthinking it, they are being irrational, etc. First of all, that’s invalidating their feelings, which are very intense and quite real. In second place, although HSPs make up the minority of the population, there’s no right or wrong here. We should look at it as simply a matter of different styles and degrees of intensity in how we interact with the world. Otherwise, a highly sensitive person could very well say that you are insensitive, you are “underreacting,” you are not thinking about it enough, you are being too rational, etc.
Consider listening with an open mind and at least giving it a second thought when a highly sensitive person shares a feeling or intuition with you. Although being highly sensitive doesn’t mean being always right, they might be on to something, or at least on the right track.
However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to your own feelings, instincts and points of view. It’s also ok to express to a highly sensitive person that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings and reactions. And it’s ok to want to communicate in a civilized manner while trying to find middle ground and a solution that satisfies both sides; but it’s probably best to wait until everyone is nice and calm before attempting it.
Respect and appreciate the differences. A highly sensitive person can often show you a beautifully intense way to connect with others and the world.
Exercise compassion; try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
When things get tough, focus on the beautiful side of the highly sensitive person you’re interacting with. Especially if you are in a romantic relationship, remember that this deep sensitivity was very likely part of the reason you felt attracted to that person to begin with.

For the highly sensitive people out there:

You’re not alone. Plenty of others like you out there.
You’re not alone. That also means you need to find a way to not be alone all the time, to connect with others and to find your place in the world, even if the process can be difficult and painful at times.
There’s nothing wrong with you; you’re just very, very sensitive. The sooner you stop thinking about yourself as dysfunctional and start putting your gifts to good use, the better for the world, and the happier you will be as a result.
As everyone else, you came here with a mission (or missions), and gifts with which to accomplish it. Develop your talents and strengths, find your mission and focus on it. There are many career (and life) paths that fit highly sensitive people very well; and by taking steps to help raise awareness and possibly change things, you will realize that many things that used to bother you won’t affect you as much anymore. Not to mention that, as you tend to feel very intensely, the rewards from this process should also feel exhilarating!
It’s ok to take a break and go within, and even isolate yourself when needed. After recharging, get right back in the game and do your part. As a highly sensitive person myself, I figured I had two choices: to either continue to reject and withdraw from the world or carve a place for myself; even make one up, if I didn’t like the available options. And aim to thrive, while helping others in the process. This doesn’t mean I know all the answers or have it together all the time; it just means I keep trying my best and moving forward...
If you are a highly sensitive person with a challenging or disabling physical, emotional or mental condition such as fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, PTSD, etc, I’d say it’s even more important that you express yourself creatively, that you try to figure out what your mission is. And maybe you’re here to show others that you can still make the best of your life in spite of your challenges. So please consider choosing baby steps and taking it slowly but surely, so that you can show your gifts to the world. I’ve seen miracles happen when people in similar situations have chosen to take a step rather than giving up; but if nothing else, it might help you cope and make you feel happier.
Do as many healthy things as possible to take good care of yourself and recharge. Proper diet and exercise are of extreme importance to a highly sensitive person. Complementary Alternative Medicine (CAM) therapies such as acupuncture, biofeedback, hypnosis, guided imagery, meditation, relaxation/stress reduction techniques, yoga, etc, are very beneficial to HSPs.
It is possible to be highly sensitive without being automatically reactive to people and situations. It’s a skill that you practice and learn like any other.
Respect and appreciate the differences. There’s nothing wrong with others just because they are not as sensitive as you are. By the way, that doesn’t automatically mean being insensitive. In addition, a non-highly sensitive person can often show you a more balanced way to interact with others and the world.
Exercise compassion; try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
It’s true that highly sensitive people are usually very empathic and intuitive, and can read between the lines better than most. But that doesn’t mean being right most or all of the time. You have to remember that you are still human and make mistakes just like everyone else; not to mention that you’re likely to have developed a chip on your shoulder from growing up feeling like an outsider. Keep in mind that, more often than not, people acted in a way that felt hurtful to you simply out of lack of understanding or awareness, not meaning anything by it, and often with the best of intentions; not because they hate you or don’t care about you. So, as a highly sensitive person you’ll do well to focus on the positive, communicate openly and clearly, and ask in case of doubt, rather than assuming the worst about other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions, intentions, etc.
Being a highly sensitive person is also like having a super power. In a perfect world, you’d be able to flaunt your powers. As it is, just like most superheroes, you often have to tone down your powers to be able to function well in this world and keep yourself and your loved ones safe. But also like a superhero, you know you can draw from your powers whenever you need to save the day.