WHY I WANTED TO BE A BUM

What if exhaustion isn't a sign of weakness, but a lifetime of carrying too much?

Photo by Henrikke Due on Unsplash

The people who rescue everyone else are often the ones most in need of rest.

At six or seven, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied, “a bum.” It wasn’t meant as a joke; I really did mean it at the time. From my childish perspective, that simply meant never having to work a job. Laughable answer from a kid, right? Maybe revealing a lack of focus and a tendency toward being lazy? For years, I interpreted that answer as evidence of laziness or a lack of ambition and spent much of my life trying to prove myself wrong—often to the point of burnout.

It was only more recently, when I read the following comment by one of Liz Gilbert’s lovelets (name omitted for privacy) from Letters from Love, that I realized what the issue might have been all along:

“Seems like I took on the role of the fixer at a fairly young age and froze into it, until now . . . When I was entrusted with the care of my sister at seven, they had planted the seed for the fixer I became. My path was then set at an early age. That’s why I couldn’t think about what I liked or wanted to be when I was young.” 

I was the oldest of three at the time; eventually four. At an early age, I learned the burden of being put in charge of my younger brothers, especially when my parents went out (which, as you can imagine, didn’t work very well and caused a lot of animosity among us). I was also the only one expected to help my mother with the housework, which was considered a daily priority that she tended to in an obsessive-compulsive manner. My brothers were never asked to contribute, and even as teens, I was the one who still had to make their beds every morning.

Being a highly sensitive empath as a child—and therefore something of an emotional sponge—I was also the unofficially assigned family over-functioner, a term used in psychology to describe the family member who acts as the fixer, the helper, the one who takes responsibility for everyone else's feelings and problems. While it often stems from a genuine desire to help, it can prevent others from dealing with their own emotions and create emotional overload for the over-functioner in the process.

No wonder I wanted to be a bum.

Being the family fixer is often a major driver behind one's personal and professional life choices. It can show up as difficulty setting healthy boundaries, over-giving while struggling to receive, perfectionism, chronic self-sacrifice and a tendency to try to save rather than serve others.

Looking back, I don't think the little girl who wanted to be "a bum" was lazy. She was just tired.

Can you think of areas in your life where you might be trying to "fix" people or situations? If so, does that leave you feeling drained? Share in the comments :)

Gisele Marasca-Vargas; 06/11/26

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